I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling more ambivalent about the new season than usual, but once it's up and running it will no doubt occupy the hollow space in my brain reserved for inane football information as always.
With this is mind, here are some predicted headlines for us all to look forward to:
QPR send Joey Barton to Marseille on loan to be mentored by a more experienced group of self-entitled, pretentious footballers. He reads a paragraph about the French Revolution and writes a book in nonsensical French about the nature of revolution using Google Translate.
Mike Ashley finally renames his team Sports Direct FC, brands all squad members' faces, mansions and children with the logo and uses his 10 per cent share of Rangers to convert Ibrox into a distribution centre. Star striker Papiss Cisse is accidentally sold to Grimsby Town after a poorly trained shop assistant mistakenly marks the player '70% off'. The team also receive a free oversized mug (or 'Mike Ashley') but as it doesn't fit through the letter box they have to pick the striker up from the nearest collection office.
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| Wilshere pre-leg-re-snap |
Arsene Wenger announces that Jack Wilshere will return for Arsenal in October, followed by December, followed by February, followed by 'this academic year', before admitting that the injury is maybe a little worse than originally anticipated two years ago.
Owen Hargreaves posts a Youtube video in an attempt to prove he's in better shape than new City recruit Jack Rodwell. Highlights include Hargreaves introducing a short-lived wobbly handstand with 'I bet Jack Rodwell can't do this!'
Alan Shearer literally runs out of things to say on Match of the Day, but escapes embarrassment as Lee Dixon struggles to finish a sentence he started an hour previously.
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| Tenuous link: a cat named Thor |
After growing jealous at the attention gained by the new Brazilian star striker Hulk, the other Chelsea forwards change their names, resulting in a strike force of Hulk, Thor, Captain America and Daredevil. Thor formerly known as Torres takes it too far by wearing a cape in training.
Gary Neville causes outrage after vocally climaxing in his trousers during a United goal resulting from sublime combination play from Rooney and Van Persie.
AVB and Daniel Levy dedicate all their energy to successfully retaining Luka Modric despite his outspoken wish to leave for Real Madrid. AVB then rests Modric for every meaningful game to assert his authority, while also revealing a new 'Blue Steel'-esque pose for the season.
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| Bale lies wounded as Adams remonstrates against his booking out of shot |
Charlie Adams stabs Gareth Bale, only receiving a booking.
Inactivity from top flight management causes Harry Redknapp's face to finally fall off.
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